Day four- Doing it hard

I feel ok at the moment but that's because I've just woken up. I am managing to express tiny amounts of milk, which is good. Last night I got up a couple of times to try and express because I want to get my milk supply going. I've had breakfast and now I'm going to go and sit with my little girl and play the waiting game. I really hope something happens today....

Later- It all turned to shit when I woke up properly, and I can't stop crying. I rang D and bawled and blubbered on the phone to him. I have moments where I feel myself shutting down and want to pretend this isn't happening. If I was the mother of only three healthy kids I wouldn't be going through this. I should have listened to Dan and not had a fourth. I love her but this is just horrible.
They are talking about sending Heidi to Perth for more tests but I doubt they'll find anything.

Afternoon- I'm feeling a bit better thank god. Poor Heidi had a rough morning. They wanted to take more blood from her for more tests, but were unable to get any. The doctor had several goes at her arm and ended up having to take some from a vein in her groin. It was awful.
She then had a nasal gastric tube put in so she can finally start having milk feeds. I have enough EBM in the fridge for her first feed. It's only 25 ml but I'm happy that her first full feed was my milk. She will be on 25 ml every three hours and if I can't express enough they will top it up with formula- whatever it takes. The doctor is hoping that having milk feeds will encourage Heidi to want to feed.
We should be off to Perth sometime today or tomorrow on the RFDS. I'm so glad that something is finally happening. We might get some answers and at least I won't be stuck her waiting for her to change. They have more facilities and staff and better equipment- they should be able to find out why she won't feed. Plus D and the kids are coming down too which I am so happy about. I've missed them all so much.

Evening- The plane is due at 7am tomorrow but it will be about 8 or 9am by the time we are organised to leave. It takes about three hours to fly there and then another ambulance ride into Princess Margaret Hospital.
They have a room for me at the hospital so I'll definately stay there to start off with. D is trying to organise accommodation for him and the kids and I'd like to stay with them for a night or two if I can.

I have been able to express more and more milk so hopefully my supply will build up enough to provide Heidi with enough. I feel better knowing she is receiving the best nutrition I can provide, and they have started to reduce the drip volume as her milk feeds increase. I've been using an electric breast pump which is working quite well and waking up every three hours to express. I'm tired but I don't care if it means I will be able to breastfeed Heidi when she comes home. At least I can do something for her.