New morning, new day. I have realised I am suppressing the emotional part of myself, and I'm functioning on the rational part. I have a feeling (or worry) that once I open up my emotions I will completely fall apart and I can't do that yet. I need to hold things together for Heidis sake and for the rest of the family. I know it will all come out eventually, but not yet. I am going to grieve for Heidi, but I am already grieving for the loss of the family I thought I was going to have. I always wanted four kids, and that is being taken away from me. I need to get my head around the idea of being a family of five, and it could take awhile. For so long I have seen my future as being part of a family of six, so changing my mind set won't be easy. But I have to because I don't think we will ever have another baby. D is adamant and I have to listen to him. My mothering/biological instincts keep telling me I need another baby, but I don't know how we could. This is how it is and I have to deal with it. Just like this is how it is with Heidi. Maybe once we actually take her home and get to spend some time with her, it might be easier to let go. I kind of feel like I never had another baby, so having her home will help me with that and the truth of my fourth baby will become more real.
We don't have anything planned for today. We really want to hear from the other doctor about taking Heidi home, but I doubt if that will happen before Monday unfortunately. We're just going to hang out with the kids and not do much today.
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