Day twentytwo-- losing it

Monday. When we went in to see Heidi yesterday morning, the bossy nurse was there and she was trying to bottlefeed her. Obviously she hadn't read Heidis notes. She started telling us about the special bottle she was trying and going on about how she is so good at getting babies to feed, but I was too taken aback to say anything. She must have been able to read the look on my face because she asked me if I wanted her to stop. I said yes. Heidi is just not capable of sucking and swallowing so there is no point trying and upsetting her.
So then the nurse talked me through the tube feeding process and told me I could do the next one myself.

The kids were getting impatient so we took them off for lunch. Afterwards we went up to Myer to look for christmas presents. They all picked out some clothes they wanted for now, and told us what toys they wanted Santa to bring them. D had to organise paying for the toys and getting them home without the kids there, so I took them over the the decoration section. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I told them they could pick out one tree ornament each and I was going to pick out one for Heidi. I wanted a nice angel but couldn't find the right one and while I was looking S somehow dropped the ornament she was holding and broke it. Something inside me just snapped and I had to get out of there. I told the other two to put their ornaments back on the shelf and took the broken one up to pay for it. All the kids were crying by this stage (I hadn't told them off but they were upset I'd made them put the decorations back). I put the broken ornament on the counter along with $7 and walked off. The shop assistant came running after me with my money and told me I didn't have to pay for it. I managed to hold it together enough to find my way out of the shop with the three crying kids trailing behind me somewhere. Thankfully D turned up at that moment.

When we got back to the car, I tried to explain to the kids that they weren't in trouble and it wasn't their fault. We drove around for a while until they all fell asleep, then D dropped me off at the hospital. For some reason I didn't feel like going in, but knew I had to. I went in and Heidi was fast asleep, but I thought I'd give her a bath anyway. Doing all the things like running the bath, getting clean clothes out ready, undressing Heidi and actually bathing her- all these normal things that I have done for my other children- calmed me down and I was able to just be there in that moment without worrying about the past or future.
When she was dry and dressed it was my turn to do a feed from start to finish. I've watched so many of them that I knew how easy it was. Heidi slept through the whole feed and was still sleeping calmly when I picked her up to hold her. Even though she sleeps a lot, most of the time it is a restless sleep. But this time she was so relaxed and peaceful and it was so nice. She seemed so "normal" which was hard in some ways (thinking- the doctors must have made a mistake), but easy because I got to just enjoy being with her.

Today we have to see the social worker to see what has to be organised before we go home. There is a woman coming in tomorrow to take hand and feet casts off Heidi (to have them painted and mounted with a photo) so hopefully the doctors won't have anything else planned.