Saturday. Today was ok. I had organised to meet my friends this morning. It was really nice and I am so glad I have such lovely people in my life. I left the other kids home with D, and just took Heidi. My friends had all left their kids with someone else too, so it was very intimate and we could talk without interuptions. It was really important for my friends to meet her. She is a part of my life and I wanted to share that with them.
I took Heidi to school yesterday morning too, because that's something we have always done as a family and I wanted to do it at least once as a family of six.
Heidi has been quite unsettled today but I think that's because I've been moving her around more than she likes. I've had her in the sling so I can do other things, and I don't want to put her down. She seems to prefer just lying on the couch.
I've had some sad moments today, but it feels ok to be sad. I think I am accepting her impending death and feel as ready as I'll ever be. I'm even thinking there may be a reason why things have happened this way. Not that I want it like this, but maybe it's meant to be. Things happen- good and bad- and they all shape our lives. I would give anything to change this situation and have my baby healthy and with me always, but I can't.
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